THIS BOTTLE IS MINE!

The mood of Francis Le Guen

Because sometimes, do not mess around!

Music credits: Erwan & Eric Le Guen

Me to dive into the water, I don't really like taking the boat ... Not that I am seasick but I find it difficult to bear the atmosphere of civil war that sometimes reigns aboard the boats of diving. Let me explain.
You got up early, you are extremely motivated by the dive on this wreck which, already the last time, you could not do… Because (cross out the unnecessary mention):
Your bottle was only inflated to 120 bars - There was too much wind - The water was cloudy - Your other half said "I have more air" when the descent was not started! - The fool that you were assigned automatically as buddy had his ears plugged. Result, after a minute of effort you descended… on the sand.
Suffice to say that this morning, you are well on your way and we will not rob you this time, this famous wreck. All the more reason to put all the chances on his side! Already, board, and quickly! Left to crush women and children. And sit down! With the dive bag well between the legs. Then, position yourself right in front of a bottle (a beautiful one), so as to mark your territory.

"This bottle is mine!"
Because, I don't know if you've ever noticed, there are always a limited number of tanks on dive boats, usually inflated, wisely aligned in their holders in the center of the boat. With two rows of penguins on either side. Except that it's a bit like the game of musical chairs: we always have the impression that some bottles are missing ... But yes, there is always a good fifteen new, plump, a little vintage scotch of good quality placed on the joint. And then the others. Bottles. Scaled, old, ugly! Without tape, with a “non-standard” tap, weird, obsolete straps: we even wonder if they are swollen… Not that Lisette!
Moreover, there is always one Lisette on board, far from this problem. In fact, Madam wanders, livid, face puffy in the tight hood. First, she must vomit!
Because the unfortunate woman is a diver for love! Already severely scolded since the morning by her boyfriend who fears a last-minute blunder, she will also be copiously yelled at at the exit, not even out of the water, she is used to it. Between two heartbreaks, she contemplates with envy these experienced divers who seem to take pleasure in this activity that she herself does only to accompany her partner without finding the slightest attraction ...
While Lisette empties herself overboard, and other onlookers are still looking for where they will sit, you grabbed your stab which you immediately strap on the bottle of your choice. It's Scott's standard at the South Pole, Hillary's pennant on Everest, the lunar flag: a date, a conquest, a recognition of territory! This is bottle, this is YOUR, and the first to touch it ...
Yes because it happens that two divers try to enclose the same one (the bottle, not Lisette…). Then, the two males confront each other, gauge each other, on either side of the coveted object. Webbed bulls, who will be the most decided, the most legitimate. The eternal dilemma of the pétanque player to know who is closest to the jack, who has the biggest ... Laaa, everything went well: the coward put to flight has turned his rubber back to you and is busy elsewhere in grumbling ...
New precaution: lock the loot! This time, you tear off the scotch (proof that you are the first: this bottle is yours!) And manly install the regulator. Turn of the key! And putting pressure on the market. You never know: sometimes the bottle does not have the 200 regulatory bars… There is still time to capture another!

Laaa… Pfff… It's time to sit down, reassured and a little out of breath with so many emotions while the boat dances in the swell towards… The wreck!
Lisette! Have a fuck! You will slide! Aaaah, too late. In the middle of the packages of sea, we pass the unfortunate woman from hand to hand, until squeezing her next to her spouse. Who, magnanimously, lets go a laconic: "Don't worry, downstairs, it'll be better ..."
The nervous tension is at its height. And Lisette who never stops fitting her regulator. Upside down… For the fiftieth time, you list the checklist to make sure you haven't forgotten anything. And be the first in the water! Think, there are even some who have not yet chosen their bottle! They're going to end up with one of those barely swollen shits… Maybe even with the bi rusting on the ground… Ah Ah!
So, in these conditions, it is annoying to note that there is always on board a very calm, serene type, indifferent to the drama that is played at each boarding. A Swiss, every time. Of course, he came with his bottle. This bottle: it's his!
That's it, we're on site! Fins, mask… Lisette? What are you doing ? All you have to do is cap the bottle ... It is then that, coming from the bottom of the boat and last ready, the instructor enters the scene with all his natural authority. In a hurry, competent, jaded, commercial smile on his face, he is taking all your gear to put in his stab and regulator!
Lisette! Hold on…
But already, the monitor has attacked the briefing. Yes… This bottle that you lovingly strapped and prepared with the little hair: it's his!

Text: Francis Le Guen