GOOD AND POOR DIVERS by FRANCIS LE GUEN

The mood of Francis Le Guen

Because sometimes, do not mess around!

Music credits: Erwan & Eric Le Guen

I recently attended a very drunken evening between divers, even if I remained dry myself (everyone knows that I am as sober as a seminarian…). Inevitably, narcosis helping, the conversation rolled edge to edge, pushing the obvious and shattering commonplaces, each going from his little anecdote, his memory of war by remaking the world ... of diving. At times, we even found the hilarious accents of "Unknown" and their famous sketch "The good and the bad hunter" ... Which went something like this:
- The bad diver ...
The man speaking, liquor in hand, is in disrepair on the sofa. He is a fan of brandy, strong alcohols ... Instructor. Respect. We'll call him Jack (Daniels).
Well what, the bad diver? Birth! exclaims his opposite, which shines like a semaphore. He is fond of red wine. He is a good-natured, laughing, blotchy, like a raccoon who has the anus of the mandrille. He drinks French. In quantity. And dives every month. Deep. Let's name the Pinard.
Jack continues:
- Let's say, you're on a wall. You follow me ? Well the bad diver, goes down there, goes down there, he is narcotic and ...
- But the good diver is the same, right? Pinard asks.
Aaah no! The good diver, goes down there, goes down there and… after a while, yes, he is narcotic. But… He's a good diver, what!
Yeah, yeah, yeah… Not clear what you are doing! Pinard refills himself a glass.
And how if! Jack said. Hey, let's say the bad diver, is he still ballasting too much? Ben comes a time when it sinks! Like a lead! Go get it ... The good diver, on the other hand, he sinks, but it is wanted! He always takes one or two more weights, just to save the day if a member of the team is too lightly weighted on the way up. You understand ?
I especially understand that the two sink, say Pinard ...
Nope ! It's like the briefing: the bad diver, he never listens to the briefing. The good diver does not listen to him either, but it is because he knows the site! And he has something else to do ...
"What kills me," said Pinard, "are all those bad divers who swim with their arms outstretched; they must always touch everything.
You're right, said Jack. Note, it often happens to me to catch critters, an octopus, a sea urchin… But it's to show beginners, you understand? To the bad ones, what. They got shit in their eyes! The worst is when you find yourself in the coral for exercises. So as not to be bothered, I usually strip a little with the bottom of the bottle, you see, just to be able to seat 5 or 6 guys. And well you will believe me if you want but there are lots of them that end up in the part not cleaned. I'm not telling you the trenches they're digging! Do you realize, what if everyone was doing this?
They are idiots, says Pinard sententiously. It's like the ascent rate. Have you seen how long they need now? Me, I learned to go up to 20 m per minute. Now it's half! And that I give you a "safety" stop, and that I wait until my state-of-the-art computer has finished its nap, while you, you quail. You shouldn't mess around. I did a lot of diving going up briskly and it didn't kill me. Sometimes we had redness, that's all ...
Anyway, I don't know of a decompression sickness that hasn't been cured by a good drink of hooch on the way out, Jack said. These caisson stories… You really have to want it.
Yeah, say Pinard, I've even known some who took it as a preventive measure, the hooch. Basically, you're better ...
Sure. It never hurt anyone… As for the safety stop, I do it in the shower…
Yeah, the bad ones… You have to be careful, says Pinard, his glassy gaze lost in the vague. Here, no later than last weekend! I was walking three penguins near Moyade ... Forty, quiet. Obviously, there was one who pumped his bottle in no time so that it had to be reassembled. And, there, in the twenty meters, I see on the bottom an amphora pass which protrudes from the sand my buddy! Yes ! What would you have done in my place? Well, I signaled to the students to stay there and not to move and I took a dive to the bottom: there was still air left. The time to shake the jug a little to release it and here I hear bubbles behind me ... I turn around and I fall on the clampin who was breathing too much, with lemur eyes behind his mask. He had understood nothing and had followed me! You realize ? Wait: here he is giving me a lack of air at the bottom of this con! Forced to give him my mouthpiece and put it back up. It was the amphora or him. I admit that I hesitated ...
Jack nods and squeezes a glass.
By the way, are you going for a caving this weekend? It's not for the bad ...
Yeah but I do not have bi!
Do not worry, I have a 15 liters two outputs: two regulators and it's fed up! We stay together and we are good. What do you want it to happen to us?
You're right Jack! Cheers !
Yes, in the middle of the ford, around one o'clock that morning in the Bouchonnois, I heard some beautiful ones, some green ones and some unripe ones… All this to tell you that we all know good divers and bad divers. But are we talking about the same?